Love: A small development...

For anyone who follows me, it's time you knew. In a couple of previous posts, I've hinted at something.

Well, time to take the wraps off, here it is.

I'm in love with a girl... and she shares my feelings.

World, meet Caroll.

First off, I can't even believe I am writing this. Yes, she is my girlfriend, and yes, she's mind-blowingly adorable and irresistible. If you're my Facebook friend, you're probably wondering why it's not "Facebook official." Well, if you really stalked me, you'd see that Facebook doesn't say I'm single any more (and hasn't for a while now)... so there's that. Secondly, this girl and I both feel that Facebook puts a lot of unecessarily scrutiny, pressure, and drama on relationships in general. So shush. ;)

For this boy, romance is a slow process... I don't just fall in love. So with this episode in my life comes a story four years in the making.

I first met her in college, fall of 2009. Caroll and I talked a lot our first summer of knowing each other. (When I say a lot, I mean a LOT.) Since I couldn't text at the time, I called her initially just as a friend to ask how her summer break was going so far, then called again to check up on her... and the calls continued from there. She would always answer, and we would talk about everything and anything we thought of – life, emotional stuff, family, friends. The calls became more frequent, and eventually became routine. By mid-June, not a day would pass without me calling her, or sometimes her calling me. I loved it. Here was a girl who I thought was totally cool, and heck, maybe we would even end up together someday. Our mutual friends all knew we were "a thing" (let's be honest, you know something must be amiss when people start talking about it). One infamous night, Caroll and I talked for over five hours reading each other horribly cheesy poetry.

Looking back, I feel like that was one of the nights that defined our relationship; we were the kids that could literally spend hours talking about absolutely nothing, but loving every moment of it. That was just "us", and I loved it. This was the summer we initially fell in love... and it was the summer that sparked a friendship that has only deepened with time.

When college started that year, though, something changed between us. Caroll was seemingly distant, almost cold. I was confused, and our relationship abruptly ended. Loose ends and feelings splayed from both sides, and we went our own ways, coping as we would. To say there was no pain would be a lie. I felt betrayed... like I had spent an entire summer hoping for something, and hardly even ending up with a friend in the end. There was a palpable bitterness between us; and though the pain was tormenting at times, I couldn't remove her from my life.

Over the next two semesters, we would pass each other awkwardly between classes or whenever. Sometimes a "hello" happened, but not always. There was a definite rift between us. Part of me felt like it was my fault, but then I would remember that it definitely takes two to tango. We had once possessed something wonderful, but somehow, somewhere, it had slipped between our fingers. Though we had once communicated every day, we seemed a world apart when it came to our truest feelings. Occasionally a Facebook message or comment would happen between us, but we were nothing like we were. Time passed; she transferred schools, I stayed. Life went on. And slowly, I started to let go.

I dated a wonderful girl for a year and a half during our time apart; and though she and I didn't work out, things ended peacefully between us. I felt partial closure from my past with Caroll through this, but never completely. The feelings I had felt for her had forever changed me, and I still don't know that I will ever be able to fully remove them from myself.

Enter this quote...

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." - Unknown

I feel like I let go of Caroll as fully as I could, because I honestly was not expecting what happened next. Though she and I talked occasionally via Facebook since our initial falling-out, this past spring, Caroll started a conversation with me.

...and it's still going on.

She's the kitten, I'm the puppy.

These past few months of summer, Caroll and I have exchanged nearly twenty-five thousand Facebook messages... and that's just on Facebook. Never mind the thousands via text, nor the hours upon hours of daily phone conversations... or the snail mail letters that are happening again. It's crazy. Road trips are in the works. But we aren't rushing. No need; we've had four years to get to this point, and neither of us are going anywhere any time soon. We talk every day... and yet we still always have things to talk about. Flashback to our five-hour night of bad poetry... we still spend hours talking about nothing and everything... and we love every moment of it. This girl is everything I ever could have hoped for... and then some.

Sure, we will have our obstacles. We live 443 miles apart. We're both attending different schools. But I definitely feel like God has brought us back together for a reason... not to mention that she just makes me insanely happy. What does our future hold? Only God knows for sure. But this I know: I have never been happier, the trust between Caroll and me is stronger every moment we are together, and I can't wait to share this journey with her, come what may.


**it is what it is**

- Knolster

August

August is a wonderful month, but is also an odd month. A summer month, but one that hints at a fast-approaching autumn. For me, it's a transition month; it marks the end of summer, and it's around this time that I realize that the year is two thirds gone. Seriously, where does the time go?

For this boy, summer has been a true journey. Lots of things have happened... I bought new camera equipment, smashed my thumb (literally), couldn't work for two months, de-junked my stuff (still ongoing), and am reorganizing my bedroom. On top of all of that, I'm preparing to tackle my last two semesters of college and get my degree in graphic design. I feel good.

Another development. There's this girl I've known for four years, and we've been talking. And when I say "talking" here, I mean we've literally been talking or texting every waking moment for the past three months. We've grown unbelievably close, and it's getting more and more obvious to us (and everyone who knows us fairly well) that something special may be developing here. The only thing that's sad about this situation is the fact that we live almost 500 miles apart; however, she has agreed to a date, and I have promised to visit. I can't wait to see what shenanigans come of this; perhaps I'll be sharing more about her in future posts. Time will tell. But, I must mention the ironic and humorous fact that this is the first time I've talked about my interest in this girl publicly, and August is National Romance Awareness Month. Whatever.

I visited my school the other day to make some arrangements for this coming semester. While I was there, I got to see some close friends who are already on campus for band camp. Having hardly seen anyone for these last seven post-Disney months, I have been more than a bit lonely and bored with my routine of home life and work. I'm too much of a social being to be cooped up like I have been, and seeing some familiar faces was a breath of fresh air.

As school fast approaches, I'm starting to get excited for the last chapters of this year... a return to academia, some added independence, the drama of an unfolding romance, and some much-needed reconnecting with college friends. But for now, here am I. It is August: my month of transition.

More blogs to follow; stay tuned.


**change**

- Knolster

Closure: A Dream

It had been a good work day. No better feeling than punching out, he thought. He wasn’t tired so much as relieved... that feeling that a runner has at the finish of a race. Exhilaration? No, that was a bit much.

Turning around the bend in the walk, he slowed as he saw her coming. She was still a ways away; maybe she hadn’t seen him. He slowed his pace a bit, but tried to look elsewhere. He could not. Just the sight of her spurned a sea of memories and emotions he had tried to calm for weeks now. He couldn’t even look at her blonde hair without remembering it being draped across his chest, the cool feeling he got when he ran his fingers through it... the scent of her, the way her eyes fairly danced when she smiled.

They met at the fork in the path. One way from here... they would have to walk together, or else it would be awkward. He spoke first. “Hi, Lynn.”

Her blue eyes met his for the first time in what felt like eons, bringing back memories. Even after work, she looked amazing. “Hello.” She was distant, but was not cold.

He cracked a grin. It hurt a bit. Still tender. Damn, she did a number on you, he thought to himself. Get it together. It’s water under the bridge.

They walked on for a bit. There was no one else in sight. Fancy that... and yet after weeks of the silent treatment, here they walked together. Fate can be such a bitch sometimes.

The path narrowed, and their hands almost touched. Electricity seared through his mind, momentarily stunning him. Recovering, he forced himself to not think about the sheer joy her fingers had brought him when they were lightly clasped between his own. The way his heart had melted effortlessly in her hands when she caressed his arms with her fingertips. Their hands touched again. This time, they both stopped, turning to each other. He was still a bit at a loss on what to say. She seemed a bit perplexed, but said nothing.

Finally he breathed. “It’s been a while. How have you been?”

She turned and took another step forward. “Busy with work. But I’ve been doing okay... you?”

“Same, actually... work, life, work.” He walked beside her again, and her hand slipped into his. In that moment, he was reminded of just how dangerous her touch was... how fast she had seduced him. But he let her hold his hand, and entwined her fingers between his. Their history preceded them. The talking was easier now.

“Dating? Me neither.”

“Weekend’s coming up. I can’t wait.”

They walked slower now. His left hand on her side, holding her body close. Her right hand on his shoulder. Just like old times... almost.

They were at the parking lot now. Their walk slowed even more. Her fingers slipped from his, but lingered across his palm. “Well if you’re not busy tonight, I’ll be making Italian. You can come if you’d like; I could use the company.” Her voice was velvet.

He paused a moment before looking back into her eyes- a dangerous move. She was beautiful. But he brushed her hand from his. “No. This is closure.”

She said nothing as he turned and walked away.

Chapters

What do most people do when they've been courting someone for a year and a half and break up? I'm not sure, but apparently it's different from my experience.

For those of you who aren't aware, I have been dating a wonderful girl from Ohio for the past year and a half. Rebecca has been a close friend for several years now (we met in college), and it was summer of last year when we decided to shake things up and go on a date sometime. Going into the relationship, we knew it would be tricky since we live seven hours apart and literally wouldn't see each other much due to her graduating and my still being in school. Long distance relationships are difficult. But we made it work... we wrote letters incessantly, texted/Facebooked, and talked on the phone. There were many pitter-patterings of the heart, fireworks, and twitterpation. All was wonderful and beautiful, save for the fact that we never got to see each other. We saw each other face-to-face only three times over the course of our courtship, but they were always happy times. After 2011, I returned to school, she went to Africa, I went to work at Disney World, she returned from Africa... life happened. Our talks grew less interesting and less frequent... the letters stopped. We saw the inevitable coming. So when it finally happened, we were in mutual agreement. The end of our romance came peacefully.

I love Facebook's Pirate language. It makes everything better.

As soon as "Andy Knol went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single' " hit Facebook news feeds everywhere, the replies were mostly along the same lines...

"That sucks, man."

"Just know you're still a wonderful person!"

"I'm so sorry!"

While I do greatly appreciate the sympathy of my friends and family, I would like to make something clear. Yes, we broke up... but it's not as harsh as it may sound. The term "break-up" doesn't really apply in this case. A real break-up would involve severance... of hearts, of feelings, of relationship. But we didn't lose anything by ending our pursuance of romance. We're just as good of friends still, if not closer because of our history. The ending of our courtship was not the result of anger, heartache, and a strongly toned "I'm breaking up with you" laced with expletives, but rather a mature decision made as a result of much thought and prayer. And as such, we are perfectly okay with getting back together if God decides to bring us closer together in the future.

No matter what happens, there will always be Halo.

I don't regret anything about my relationship with Rebecca. There were many joyful moments, and countless moments when my heart skipped beats. Love is wonderful, but true love usually masks itself in many facets. I discovered many facets of love with my relationship with Rebecca, and I am very appreciative of the friendship we still share. As for our future, we will always be friends, but we leave it up to God if He wants to write more into our later chapters.

So where am I now through all of this? Florida, for starters. I have just less than two months left at Disney World. After that, I'm not sure. Maybe I'll go back to school and work on that double art degree I've been chipping away at. Or maybe I'll stay local in Indiana for a while. Or maybe pick up some field work elsewhere. I'm not sure. But now is when I close my eyes and breathe, thanking God for each chapter of my story.


**42**

- Knolster