Well, time to take the wraps off, here it is.
I'm in love with a girl... and she shares my feelings.
World, meet Caroll.
First off, I can't even believe I am writing this. Yes, she is my girlfriend, and yes, she's mind-blowingly adorable and irresistible. If you're my Facebook friend, you're probably wondering why it's not "Facebook official." Well, if you really stalked me, you'd see that Facebook doesn't say I'm single any more (and hasn't for a while now)... so there's that. Secondly, this girl and I both feel that Facebook puts a lot of unecessarily scrutiny, pressure, and drama on relationships in general. So shush. ;)
For this boy, romance is a slow process... I don't just fall in love. So with this episode in my life comes a story four years in the making.
I first met her in college, fall of 2009. Caroll and I talked a lot our first summer of knowing each other. (When I say a lot, I mean a LOT.) Since I couldn't text at the time, I called her initially just as a friend to ask how her summer break was going so far, then called again to check up on her... and the calls continued from there. She would always answer, and we would talk about everything and anything we thought of – life, emotional stuff, family, friends. The calls became more frequent, and eventually became routine. By mid-June, not a day would pass without me calling her, or sometimes her calling me. I loved it. Here was a girl who I thought was totally cool, and heck, maybe we would even end up together someday. Our mutual friends all knew we were "a thing" (let's be honest, you know something must be amiss when people start talking about it). One infamous night, Caroll and I talked for over five hours reading each other horribly cheesy poetry.
Looking back, I feel like that was one of the nights that defined our relationship; we were the kids that could literally spend hours talking about absolutely nothing, but loving every moment of it. That was just "us", and I loved it. This was the summer we initially fell in love... and it was the summer that sparked a friendship that has only deepened with time.
When college started that year, though, something changed between us. Caroll was seemingly distant, almost cold. I was confused, and our relationship abruptly ended. Loose ends and feelings splayed from both sides, and we went our own ways, coping as we would. To say there was no pain would be a lie. I felt betrayed... like I had spent an entire summer hoping for something, and hardly even ending up with a friend in the end. There was a palpable bitterness between us; and though the pain was tormenting at times, I couldn't remove her from my life.
Over the next two semesters, we would pass each other awkwardly between classes or whenever. Sometimes a "hello" happened, but not always. There was a definite rift between us. Part of me felt like it was my fault, but then I would remember that it definitely takes two to tango. We had once possessed something wonderful, but somehow, somewhere, it had slipped between our fingers. Though we had once communicated every day, we seemed a world apart when it came to our truest feelings. Occasionally a Facebook message or comment would happen between us, but we were nothing like we were. Time passed; she transferred schools, I stayed. Life went on. And slowly, I started to let go.
I dated a wonderful girl for a year and a half during our time apart; and though she and I didn't work out, things ended peacefully between us. I felt partial closure from my past with Caroll through this, but never completely. The feelings I had felt for her had forever changed me, and I still don't know that I will ever be able to fully remove them from myself.
Enter this quote...
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." - UnknownI feel like I let go of Caroll as fully as I could, because I honestly was not expecting what happened next. Though she and I talked occasionally via Facebook since our initial falling-out, this past spring, Caroll started a conversation with me.
...and it's still going on.
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| She's the kitten, I'm the puppy. |
These past few months of summer, Caroll and I have exchanged nearly twenty-five thousand Facebook messages... and that's just on Facebook. Never mind the thousands via text, nor the hours upon hours of daily phone conversations... or the snail mail letters that are happening again. It's crazy. Road trips are in the works. But we aren't rushing. No need; we've had four years to get to this point, and neither of us are going anywhere any time soon. We talk every day... and yet we still always have things to talk about. Flashback to our five-hour night of bad poetry... we still spend hours talking about nothing and everything... and we love every moment of it. This girl is everything I ever could have hoped for... and then some.
Sure, we will have our obstacles. We live 443 miles apart. We're both attending different schools. But I definitely feel like God has brought us back together for a reason... not to mention that she just makes me insanely happy. What does our future hold? Only God knows for sure. But this I know: I have never been happier, the trust between Caroll and me is stronger every moment we are together, and I can't wait to share this journey with her, come what may.
**it is what it is**
- Knolster
