Love: A small development...

For anyone who follows me, it's time you knew. In a couple of previous posts, I've hinted at something.

Well, time to take the wraps off, here it is.

I'm in love with a girl... and she shares my feelings.

World, meet Caroll.

First off, I can't even believe I am writing this. Yes, she is my girlfriend, and yes, she's mind-blowingly adorable and irresistible. If you're my Facebook friend, you're probably wondering why it's not "Facebook official." Well, if you really stalked me, you'd see that Facebook doesn't say I'm single any more (and hasn't for a while now)... so there's that. Secondly, this girl and I both feel that Facebook puts a lot of unecessarily scrutiny, pressure, and drama on relationships in general. So shush. ;)

For this boy, romance is a slow process... I don't just fall in love. So with this episode in my life comes a story four years in the making.

I first met her in college, fall of 2009. Caroll and I talked a lot our first summer of knowing each other. (When I say a lot, I mean a LOT.) Since I couldn't text at the time, I called her initially just as a friend to ask how her summer break was going so far, then called again to check up on her... and the calls continued from there. She would always answer, and we would talk about everything and anything we thought of – life, emotional stuff, family, friends. The calls became more frequent, and eventually became routine. By mid-June, not a day would pass without me calling her, or sometimes her calling me. I loved it. Here was a girl who I thought was totally cool, and heck, maybe we would even end up together someday. Our mutual friends all knew we were "a thing" (let's be honest, you know something must be amiss when people start talking about it). One infamous night, Caroll and I talked for over five hours reading each other horribly cheesy poetry.

Looking back, I feel like that was one of the nights that defined our relationship; we were the kids that could literally spend hours talking about absolutely nothing, but loving every moment of it. That was just "us", and I loved it. This was the summer we initially fell in love... and it was the summer that sparked a friendship that has only deepened with time.

When college started that year, though, something changed between us. Caroll was seemingly distant, almost cold. I was confused, and our relationship abruptly ended. Loose ends and feelings splayed from both sides, and we went our own ways, coping as we would. To say there was no pain would be a lie. I felt betrayed... like I had spent an entire summer hoping for something, and hardly even ending up with a friend in the end. There was a palpable bitterness between us; and though the pain was tormenting at times, I couldn't remove her from my life.

Over the next two semesters, we would pass each other awkwardly between classes or whenever. Sometimes a "hello" happened, but not always. There was a definite rift between us. Part of me felt like it was my fault, but then I would remember that it definitely takes two to tango. We had once possessed something wonderful, but somehow, somewhere, it had slipped between our fingers. Though we had once communicated every day, we seemed a world apart when it came to our truest feelings. Occasionally a Facebook message or comment would happen between us, but we were nothing like we were. Time passed; she transferred schools, I stayed. Life went on. And slowly, I started to let go.

I dated a wonderful girl for a year and a half during our time apart; and though she and I didn't work out, things ended peacefully between us. I felt partial closure from my past with Caroll through this, but never completely. The feelings I had felt for her had forever changed me, and I still don't know that I will ever be able to fully remove them from myself.

Enter this quote...

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." - Unknown

I feel like I let go of Caroll as fully as I could, because I honestly was not expecting what happened next. Though she and I talked occasionally via Facebook since our initial falling-out, this past spring, Caroll started a conversation with me.

...and it's still going on.

She's the kitten, I'm the puppy.

These past few months of summer, Caroll and I have exchanged nearly twenty-five thousand Facebook messages... and that's just on Facebook. Never mind the thousands via text, nor the hours upon hours of daily phone conversations... or the snail mail letters that are happening again. It's crazy. Road trips are in the works. But we aren't rushing. No need; we've had four years to get to this point, and neither of us are going anywhere any time soon. We talk every day... and yet we still always have things to talk about. Flashback to our five-hour night of bad poetry... we still spend hours talking about nothing and everything... and we love every moment of it. This girl is everything I ever could have hoped for... and then some.

Sure, we will have our obstacles. We live 443 miles apart. We're both attending different schools. But I definitely feel like God has brought us back together for a reason... not to mention that she just makes me insanely happy. What does our future hold? Only God knows for sure. But this I know: I have never been happier, the trust between Caroll and me is stronger every moment we are together, and I can't wait to share this journey with her, come what may.


**it is what it is**

- Knolster

True friendship

So there's this girl... we'll call her my "significant other". Though we are not so public about it right now, we are currently "in talks"... our friendship of four years has seen its share of highs and lows, but is truly something special that I wouldn't trade for anything. To say I do not love her would be the saddest lie I could ever tell. She's a wonderful person, but also one of the most challenging people I've ever met.

Tonight, this girl and I were exploring some of our deepest worries and insecurities about ourselves, our lives, and each other. We were both feeling very emotional about things, and though we are insanely supportive of each other through thick and thin, tonight was a heavy night for us. Our conversation was honest, raw, and painful as we explored our own thoughts and qualms.

It was just past eleven when she decided she wanted to take a break from the conversation to  write. Hmm, not a bad idea; I thought. I'll just do some writing of my own.

As she went offline, and just as I was about to close out of everything to write some of my own thoughts, I absentmindedly started reading a page of quotes on friendship that I had opened at some point during our conversation. After skimming a few drab, overly cliché quotes about love, I was about to close the tab, when a rather lengthy post caught my eye. Without reading it, I glanced down to see who the author was. Bob Marley? My interest piqued, I decided to read the quote... which then proceeded to blow my mind all over the walls of the room.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, do you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul, and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind... like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day; and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

Holy crap. Everything that this rasta man just said... was everything I wanted to say in that moment. Nothing but pure, unabashed love. A love that can never be explained with mere words. Love so honest, it has to be the same kind of love that Jesus, who is truth, shows to us.

Sometimes friendship is simple. But true, honest friendship is beautiful. When you have a true friend who you can trust, and who cares as much about you as you do for them, that's nothing short of amazing. You will be hard pressed to find many friends like this in life... I consider myself lucky to have found even one.

Do not take friendship lightly... for it is one of the most wonderful things you can have in this life


**don't worry, be happy** 

- Knolster

Vagabond

After a year's hiatus from undergraduate academia, I am finally finishing my last two semesters, and am en route to receiving my bachelor's degree. My return to college is something I'm thrilled about; while being an intern at Disney World was naturally awesome and exciting, I have definitely missed learning, especially after a summer of work. So, after last week's two days of semester boot camp, today marks my first actual week of classes. And I am truly excited.

But this time around, things are different. College has been a longer journey for me than for most; while others have a four-year plan, my own academic plan has been marred with hardships and spotted with leaves of absence. Such are the struggles of one who is paying his own way through school. So while many familiar faces have been with me for the majority of my college life, it is now that I am noticing just how many faces have moved on - either upon graduating, or simply transferring elsewhere. It's strange to be in such a familiar place where I've known many, yet look around and see that I'm surrounded by strangers. Taking a year's break from college will do that, of course, but I've noticed this phenomenon especially since school started. Aside from faculty, I hardly know anyone here anymore.

It's sobering. But it is also refreshing.

The sobering side of it is this: Meeting so many individuals and living with them as they experienced college was wonderful. I am a social being, and loved the friend circles that college offered me. Sure, I made a lot of friends in college; and yes, I still know many of them. But the reality is this: College is simply a fleeting phase of life; and inevitably, all of us will end up going our own ways. Seeing so many of my friends moving on with life is definitely thought provoking as I watch my own chapters of academia coming to a close. But being surrounded by strangers, at times I feel like a vagabond in my own college home.

However, this is also a refreshing time. I'm more focused than ever on success. No longer am I subject to the judgment of peers who have seen me transform from an odd, awkward humanoid into a thriving, less-awkward individual. No longer am I plagued with the drama of what's happening in friend circles, who's dating who, or what happened last night in a friend circle. Of the few familiar faces I still see here - fellow students and faculty - most of them have had journeys similar to my own. We've experienced hardships together, helped each other through them, been there to support each other, and grown stronger for it. These are lifelong friends, and I'm so happy to share the last semesters of my own college experience with them.

Though they are few, I'm thankful for the familiar faces I can still see on a daily basis. And as I am now getting into the full swing of this semester, I'm more excited than ever to see how much I learn throughout the rest of the year. And though at times I may feel like a vagabond in my own college home, I know I am here for a reason... and I am okay with that.


**let things fall as they may**

- Knolster

Chapters

What do most people do when they've been courting someone for a year and a half and break up? I'm not sure, but apparently it's different from my experience.

For those of you who aren't aware, I have been dating a wonderful girl from Ohio for the past year and a half. Rebecca has been a close friend for several years now (we met in college), and it was summer of last year when we decided to shake things up and go on a date sometime. Going into the relationship, we knew it would be tricky since we live seven hours apart and literally wouldn't see each other much due to her graduating and my still being in school. Long distance relationships are difficult. But we made it work... we wrote letters incessantly, texted/Facebooked, and talked on the phone. There were many pitter-patterings of the heart, fireworks, and twitterpation. All was wonderful and beautiful, save for the fact that we never got to see each other. We saw each other face-to-face only three times over the course of our courtship, but they were always happy times. After 2011, I returned to school, she went to Africa, I went to work at Disney World, she returned from Africa... life happened. Our talks grew less interesting and less frequent... the letters stopped. We saw the inevitable coming. So when it finally happened, we were in mutual agreement. The end of our romance came peacefully.

I love Facebook's Pirate language. It makes everything better.

As soon as "Andy Knol went from being 'in a relationship' to 'single' " hit Facebook news feeds everywhere, the replies were mostly along the same lines...

"That sucks, man."

"Just know you're still a wonderful person!"

"I'm so sorry!"

While I do greatly appreciate the sympathy of my friends and family, I would like to make something clear. Yes, we broke up... but it's not as harsh as it may sound. The term "break-up" doesn't really apply in this case. A real break-up would involve severance... of hearts, of feelings, of relationship. But we didn't lose anything by ending our pursuance of romance. We're just as good of friends still, if not closer because of our history. The ending of our courtship was not the result of anger, heartache, and a strongly toned "I'm breaking up with you" laced with expletives, but rather a mature decision made as a result of much thought and prayer. And as such, we are perfectly okay with getting back together if God decides to bring us closer together in the future.

No matter what happens, there will always be Halo.

I don't regret anything about my relationship with Rebecca. There were many joyful moments, and countless moments when my heart skipped beats. Love is wonderful, but true love usually masks itself in many facets. I discovered many facets of love with my relationship with Rebecca, and I am very appreciative of the friendship we still share. As for our future, we will always be friends, but we leave it up to God if He wants to write more into our later chapters.

So where am I now through all of this? Florida, for starters. I have just less than two months left at Disney World. After that, I'm not sure. Maybe I'll go back to school and work on that double art degree I've been chipping away at. Or maybe I'll stay local in Indiana for a while. Or maybe pick up some field work elsewhere. I'm not sure. But now is when I close my eyes and breathe, thanking God for each chapter of my story.


**42**

- Knolster