My Faith Journey

Currently I am taking an undergraduate class on Christian Faith. As it is a required course at my institution,  I was skeptical at best... I expected the class to be nothing more than a lengthy, boring lecture period filled with note-taking and dreary assigned readings. While theology can be interesting and, at times, fascinating, I was not looking forward to sitting through hell to learn about heaven.

But thus far, I am happily wrong. It’s been anything but academic hell; so far, through the first periods of lecture, it has been an intuitive learning experience – replete with honest peer discussions from the students, as well as insights and thoughts to ponder from the professor.
 
This blog is named Journeys. I chose the name because I feel that life is the “ultimate” journey... one made up of many facets, such as faith, relationships, personal development, and struggles. Ever since starting this blog, I’ve noticed more when the word “journey” is used. So when I read the syllabus and saw that our professor had named our first written assignment of the semester “My Faith Journey” – an essay we would write to discuss our own personal spiritual progress – I was excited. Upon writing it, I thought it fitting to share it here.
 
So, join me as I present to you my faith journey, which continues to grow with every new day.

My Faith Journey

Though I have experienced highs and lows in my faith walk, I can’t remember a time when I was without faith. There have been difficulties and hardships, of course; but I have always known I had a purpose, and that there was a God who cared about what happened to me. To me, faith is the cornerstone of life. Without faith, I can do nothing. I feel that it is what one puts their faith in that matters. My faith has always been growing, though at times it has faltered. But ultimately, my faith in Jesus Christ is at the core of “me”, and I cannot imagine life without it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had some form of faith in my life. As a very young boy, I can clearly remember being three years old with my parents at my bedside, and making the decision to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Soon after, I recall attending “Story Hour”; a mid-week preschool learning time provided by a local Christian Reformed church. I remember hearing Bible stories and singing songs about what we heard. I learned that Jesus wanted us all to be “fishers of men” as we followed His teaching. My family always pursued God and His will for our lives; we read and studied the Bible, prayed daily, and lived godly lifestyles. So even at a young age, my faith was beginning to bloom.

From there, my faith continued to develop. At age five, I moved with my family to a local Baptist church, where I spent probably five years or so. Through church, Sunday School, junior church, and youth group, my faith grew stronger. I understood salvation fully, and I knew I was a “Christian”, but I was still definitely developing as a believer, much less as an individual.
 
As my family’s faith grew together, we wanted more of God, and we felt that the Baptist church we had called home for years did not share our passion or hunger for God. Though they were definitely our church family for a season, it seemed like they were simply comfortable with Christianity as a Sunday church routine. But we wanted “Sunday” to be a lifestyle, and not just a charade. So we moved to a Pentecostal church; there, we felt much more passionate about living our purpose as children of God, and not just existing in it. However, after about a year or two there, we grew dissatisfied with the church’s leadership. Elements of favoritism, pride, and “cliques” were prominent, and grew more obvious as time passed. We decided to move on, looking for another church.
 
As I entered adolescence, it was around this time that I feel my desire for God honestly began to develop; no longer was I just learning about Him, but I really wanted to seek Him and know Him. We switched churches again; this time, we found an Assemblies of God church. While I loved it there, and felt my faith beginning to grow, my parents weren’t sure if it was the best place for us. We moved to a new town a year later, and switched churches again.
 
Then came hardship. Throughout the years, my family has yearned to find a church to call home, but we have had a difficult time. It wouldn’t seem so hard to find a church, but finding a church family who shares your desire for growth is another story. Even to this day, I have a very hard time trusting churches, and I feel this inevitably affects my faith. I understand that we (the body of Christ) are the Church; Jesus has expressed multiple times through the writings of Paul and others that we are to build each other up and love each other as brothers and sisters in Him. However, through my experience, while churches may seem friendly, there always seem to be motives that would say otherwise. There are many factors to churches, such as how its members treat each other, how the leadership works, and how money is handled (to name a few). Things like how Communion is performed matter to me; some churches I’ve been to take Communion in a haphazard, “lax” way that lent no solemness to the rite. Though we would find churches we liked initially, there was always something that would drive us away – anything from pastors’ families acting high and mighty to odd worship practices. Some churches felt like cults; others were complacent and pursued nothing. Passion for God was scarce, and my family and I were judged by many for ours. Most of my teen years were spent between churches, and I never found a church to call home for long.
 
College has presented its own set of challenges to my faith. It was upon entering college that I started really thinking for myself, making educated decisions, and “doing research” before believing anything. Discussions of faith have abounded, as I attend a Christian university full of people like myself. Through my undergraduate years, I feel I have developed not only as an individual, but also as a believer. Concepts like alcohol, homosexuality, and popular forms of entertainment have also added to my constant quest for truth; as the Bible has many things to say about these things, many arguments can be made in how they are perceived and applied in today’s culture. And as time progresses, I’m hearing more and more dissension in the ranks of the Church.
 
But through it all, my faith remains. It is stronger every day, and I want nothing more than to pursue the Lord, discovering how I should live, and how I can be a light in a world that is desperately and hauntingly dark. The journey continues still; and with each step, I am even more excited for the next.

Love: A small development...

For anyone who follows me, it's time you knew. In a couple of previous posts, I've hinted at something.

Well, time to take the wraps off, here it is.

I'm in love with a girl... and she shares my feelings.

World, meet Caroll.

First off, I can't even believe I am writing this. Yes, she is my girlfriend, and yes, she's mind-blowingly adorable and irresistible. If you're my Facebook friend, you're probably wondering why it's not "Facebook official." Well, if you really stalked me, you'd see that Facebook doesn't say I'm single any more (and hasn't for a while now)... so there's that. Secondly, this girl and I both feel that Facebook puts a lot of unecessarily scrutiny, pressure, and drama on relationships in general. So shush. ;)

For this boy, romance is a slow process... I don't just fall in love. So with this episode in my life comes a story four years in the making.

I first met her in college, fall of 2009. Caroll and I talked a lot our first summer of knowing each other. (When I say a lot, I mean a LOT.) Since I couldn't text at the time, I called her initially just as a friend to ask how her summer break was going so far, then called again to check up on her... and the calls continued from there. She would always answer, and we would talk about everything and anything we thought of – life, emotional stuff, family, friends. The calls became more frequent, and eventually became routine. By mid-June, not a day would pass without me calling her, or sometimes her calling me. I loved it. Here was a girl who I thought was totally cool, and heck, maybe we would even end up together someday. Our mutual friends all knew we were "a thing" (let's be honest, you know something must be amiss when people start talking about it). One infamous night, Caroll and I talked for over five hours reading each other horribly cheesy poetry.

Looking back, I feel like that was one of the nights that defined our relationship; we were the kids that could literally spend hours talking about absolutely nothing, but loving every moment of it. That was just "us", and I loved it. This was the summer we initially fell in love... and it was the summer that sparked a friendship that has only deepened with time.

When college started that year, though, something changed between us. Caroll was seemingly distant, almost cold. I was confused, and our relationship abruptly ended. Loose ends and feelings splayed from both sides, and we went our own ways, coping as we would. To say there was no pain would be a lie. I felt betrayed... like I had spent an entire summer hoping for something, and hardly even ending up with a friend in the end. There was a palpable bitterness between us; and though the pain was tormenting at times, I couldn't remove her from my life.

Over the next two semesters, we would pass each other awkwardly between classes or whenever. Sometimes a "hello" happened, but not always. There was a definite rift between us. Part of me felt like it was my fault, but then I would remember that it definitely takes two to tango. We had once possessed something wonderful, but somehow, somewhere, it had slipped between our fingers. Though we had once communicated every day, we seemed a world apart when it came to our truest feelings. Occasionally a Facebook message or comment would happen between us, but we were nothing like we were. Time passed; she transferred schools, I stayed. Life went on. And slowly, I started to let go.

I dated a wonderful girl for a year and a half during our time apart; and though she and I didn't work out, things ended peacefully between us. I felt partial closure from my past with Caroll through this, but never completely. The feelings I had felt for her had forever changed me, and I still don't know that I will ever be able to fully remove them from myself.

Enter this quote...

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." - Unknown

I feel like I let go of Caroll as fully as I could, because I honestly was not expecting what happened next. Though she and I talked occasionally via Facebook since our initial falling-out, this past spring, Caroll started a conversation with me.

...and it's still going on.

She's the kitten, I'm the puppy.

These past few months of summer, Caroll and I have exchanged nearly twenty-five thousand Facebook messages... and that's just on Facebook. Never mind the thousands via text, nor the hours upon hours of daily phone conversations... or the snail mail letters that are happening again. It's crazy. Road trips are in the works. But we aren't rushing. No need; we've had four years to get to this point, and neither of us are going anywhere any time soon. We talk every day... and yet we still always have things to talk about. Flashback to our five-hour night of bad poetry... we still spend hours talking about nothing and everything... and we love every moment of it. This girl is everything I ever could have hoped for... and then some.

Sure, we will have our obstacles. We live 443 miles apart. We're both attending different schools. But I definitely feel like God has brought us back together for a reason... not to mention that she just makes me insanely happy. What does our future hold? Only God knows for sure. But this I know: I have never been happier, the trust between Caroll and me is stronger every moment we are together, and I can't wait to share this journey with her, come what may.


**it is what it is**

- Knolster

True friendship

So there's this girl... we'll call her my "significant other". Though we are not so public about it right now, we are currently "in talks"... our friendship of four years has seen its share of highs and lows, but is truly something special that I wouldn't trade for anything. To say I do not love her would be the saddest lie I could ever tell. She's a wonderful person, but also one of the most challenging people I've ever met.

Tonight, this girl and I were exploring some of our deepest worries and insecurities about ourselves, our lives, and each other. We were both feeling very emotional about things, and though we are insanely supportive of each other through thick and thin, tonight was a heavy night for us. Our conversation was honest, raw, and painful as we explored our own thoughts and qualms.

It was just past eleven when she decided she wanted to take a break from the conversation to  write. Hmm, not a bad idea; I thought. I'll just do some writing of my own.

As she went offline, and just as I was about to close out of everything to write some of my own thoughts, I absentmindedly started reading a page of quotes on friendship that I had opened at some point during our conversation. After skimming a few drab, overly cliché quotes about love, I was about to close the tab, when a rather lengthy post caught my eye. Without reading it, I glanced down to see who the author was. Bob Marley? My interest piqued, I decided to read the quote... which then proceeded to blow my mind all over the walls of the room.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, do you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul, and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind... like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day; and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

Holy crap. Everything that this rasta man just said... was everything I wanted to say in that moment. Nothing but pure, unabashed love. A love that can never be explained with mere words. Love so honest, it has to be the same kind of love that Jesus, who is truth, shows to us.

Sometimes friendship is simple. But true, honest friendship is beautiful. When you have a true friend who you can trust, and who cares as much about you as you do for them, that's nothing short of amazing. You will be hard pressed to find many friends like this in life... I consider myself lucky to have found even one.

Do not take friendship lightly... for it is one of the most wonderful things you can have in this life


**don't worry, be happy** 

- Knolster

Vagabond

After a year's hiatus from undergraduate academia, I am finally finishing my last two semesters, and am en route to receiving my bachelor's degree. My return to college is something I'm thrilled about; while being an intern at Disney World was naturally awesome and exciting, I have definitely missed learning, especially after a summer of work. So, after last week's two days of semester boot camp, today marks my first actual week of classes. And I am truly excited.

But this time around, things are different. College has been a longer journey for me than for most; while others have a four-year plan, my own academic plan has been marred with hardships and spotted with leaves of absence. Such are the struggles of one who is paying his own way through school. So while many familiar faces have been with me for the majority of my college life, it is now that I am noticing just how many faces have moved on - either upon graduating, or simply transferring elsewhere. It's strange to be in such a familiar place where I've known many, yet look around and see that I'm surrounded by strangers. Taking a year's break from college will do that, of course, but I've noticed this phenomenon especially since school started. Aside from faculty, I hardly know anyone here anymore.

It's sobering. But it is also refreshing.

The sobering side of it is this: Meeting so many individuals and living with them as they experienced college was wonderful. I am a social being, and loved the friend circles that college offered me. Sure, I made a lot of friends in college; and yes, I still know many of them. But the reality is this: College is simply a fleeting phase of life; and inevitably, all of us will end up going our own ways. Seeing so many of my friends moving on with life is definitely thought provoking as I watch my own chapters of academia coming to a close. But being surrounded by strangers, at times I feel like a vagabond in my own college home.

However, this is also a refreshing time. I'm more focused than ever on success. No longer am I subject to the judgment of peers who have seen me transform from an odd, awkward humanoid into a thriving, less-awkward individual. No longer am I plagued with the drama of what's happening in friend circles, who's dating who, or what happened last night in a friend circle. Of the few familiar faces I still see here - fellow students and faculty - most of them have had journeys similar to my own. We've experienced hardships together, helped each other through them, been there to support each other, and grown stronger for it. These are lifelong friends, and I'm so happy to share the last semesters of my own college experience with them.

Though they are few, I'm thankful for the familiar faces I can still see on a daily basis. And as I am now getting into the full swing of this semester, I'm more excited than ever to see how much I learn throughout the rest of the year. And though at times I may feel like a vagabond in my own college home, I know I am here for a reason... and I am okay with that.


**let things fall as they may**

- Knolster

August

August is a wonderful month, but is also an odd month. A summer month, but one that hints at a fast-approaching autumn. For me, it's a transition month; it marks the end of summer, and it's around this time that I realize that the year is two thirds gone. Seriously, where does the time go?

For this boy, summer has been a true journey. Lots of things have happened... I bought new camera equipment, smashed my thumb (literally), couldn't work for two months, de-junked my stuff (still ongoing), and am reorganizing my bedroom. On top of all of that, I'm preparing to tackle my last two semesters of college and get my degree in graphic design. I feel good.

Another development. There's this girl I've known for four years, and we've been talking. And when I say "talking" here, I mean we've literally been talking or texting every waking moment for the past three months. We've grown unbelievably close, and it's getting more and more obvious to us (and everyone who knows us fairly well) that something special may be developing here. The only thing that's sad about this situation is the fact that we live almost 500 miles apart; however, she has agreed to a date, and I have promised to visit. I can't wait to see what shenanigans come of this; perhaps I'll be sharing more about her in future posts. Time will tell. But, I must mention the ironic and humorous fact that this is the first time I've talked about my interest in this girl publicly, and August is National Romance Awareness Month. Whatever.

I visited my school the other day to make some arrangements for this coming semester. While I was there, I got to see some close friends who are already on campus for band camp. Having hardly seen anyone for these last seven post-Disney months, I have been more than a bit lonely and bored with my routine of home life and work. I'm too much of a social being to be cooped up like I have been, and seeing some familiar faces was a breath of fresh air.

As school fast approaches, I'm starting to get excited for the last chapters of this year... a return to academia, some added independence, the drama of an unfolding romance, and some much-needed reconnecting with college friends. But for now, here am I. It is August: my month of transition.

More blogs to follow; stay tuned.


**change**

- Knolster

I Lived

Ever feel like the shuffle feature in iTunes is some sort of a musical god that can somehow predict your mood swings and empathize with your feelings? Time and time again, I absent-mindedly flip my iPod to "shuffle all songs" and drown myself in whatever it comes up with. And I've noticed a phenomenon; within three songs, usually a song plays that somehow resonates with how I feel that very moment.

This happens to me quite frequently, and today was no exception. Lately I've been thinking a lot about life decisions. Well, this morning I popped my headphones on before rolling out of bed (on "shuffle"), and the second song that played was off of OneRepublic's new album, Native. Perhaps you've heard it before... it's called "I Lived".

The chorus is as follows...

"I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give.
I saw so many places, the things that I did.
Yeah with every broken bone, I swear I lived..."

This song resonates with so many feels within my soul. It causes emotions to rise; it provokes thought; and it reawakens a yearning within me to experience life at its fullest. Disney was a huge experience for me; I can't remember a moment when I wasn't experiencing something new or discovering new things. Every day was an adventure.

Upon moving back to the Midwest, life has gone stagnant (or so it would seem). Yes, I still have moments of joy with my family, and I will always cherish these times. But as a whole, life has slowed down a bit in contrast to my fast-paced, schedule-packing life in Florida. But here is my thoughts in a nutshell: Fast or slow, never fail to cherish each moment in life.

Don't get so caught up in the "big picture" that you fail to live for today. It is wise to live for a better tomorrow, of course; but do not forget to experience the world around you right now, no matter where you are. Life is way too short to take it slow; as soon as moments arrive,  they are gone. Map out some dreams you wish to achieve and work towards them. But today, in this moment, do wonderful things. Create. Dance. Live. Once you get to where you want to be a month, a year, or ten years down the road, you will look back on your life; and you'll be glad that you lived each moment and appreciated the time you were blessed with. Reach out to others and don't fail to seize the moments you have before they pass and are lost forever. And "with every broken bone", don't be discouraged. You will be stronger for the hard times.

Go places. Do things. Cherish people around you.

But whatever you do, make sure you live life to the fullest.


**fin**

- Knolster

Friends With A Black Guy

This is the real life story of how my friend Travis became an Internet sensation overnight. You may have seen his picture before.

Photo copyright José Taco Cruz, JTCPhotography

I attended a tiny Christian liberal arts university in Illinois - you may have heard of it. Located in Bourbonnais, right between Bradey and Kankakee (or, as I like to call it, Kankabourboley), Olivet Nazarene University is where I spent much of my early college career. It's a pretty campus, but one quickly realizes that between the spattering of college-sponsored Student Life events, non-academic life pretty much ends inside the ONU bubble. Not much happens, and there's no real fun to be had in the humdrum suburbs surrounding the school.

Enter my friend Travis. Travis is a great guy who majored in communications, got his degree, and is currently engaged to a wonderful young lady. He loves good fun and is always down for trying new things. He was also featured in The Olivetian - our school newsletter.

Oh, and he's black. But that's not really important, is it?

It was spring of 2012. Life was ONU peachy. Classes were going well, spring break was over, and midterms were all a thought of the past. Now it was all about having as much fun as we could before finals loomed on the horizon.

However, it was one evening in particular that the rumblings of shenanigans could be felt. I got word through a mutual friend that Travis was planning something, and it was going to be awesome. He had gotten the bright idea of setting up a table in the hub of our campus and putting up signs that said "Meet A Black Guy." He planned to pass out flyers and free food, utilizing as many "black" stereotypes as he appropriately could to ease racist tensions in my predominately white school. The idea gained speed among our friend group, and a few fateful Facebook messages later, it was decided. He had procured an appropriate table, I was printing the signs, and we were going shopping for food.

Before I knew it, we were heading to Kroger at midnight with Travis and a couple others. The discussion was filled with excitement.

The scene in the car was pretty comical, to say the least. Being black, Travis was the obvious mastermind present - that is, until he opened his mouth. "So guys. What do black people like?"

We all looked at each other.

"We've gotta get fried chicken!!" Travis pointed out.

We all agreed unanimously.

"What would be better, purple Kool-Aid or purple soda?"

Debate on that was a bit more involved, as we tossed stereotypes back and forth, arguing what black people liked better, Kool-Aid or soda. Ultimately though, we decided that canned purple soda and Dixie cups would be the easiest solution for handing "drank" out in small quantities.

And then the kicker. "WATERMELON!!!" We had to get a watermelon. Or two; even better!

Oh, and donuts and IBC root beer. Impulse buys - it was 2am at this point, and we were hungry.

Probably the most racist shopping trip ever

We got the stuff; everybody pitched in some cash. Cups, plates, fried chicken, purple soda, watermelons. The whole enchilada. The third-shift checkout lady was probably trying not to burst out laughing as Travis paid dutifully for his items. But she was able to keep a stern face, much to our amusement.

I laughed harder that night than I had in a long time. As soon as I got back to my dormitory, I got to work on his signs for the table.

Free Fried Chicken!
Free Purple Drank! (We had to put "drank" on there. It was too awesome.)
Free Hugs!
Free Pictures!
Free Signatures!
Free Watermelon!
Free Handshakes!

Heck, I still have the Word documents. I'll never delete them.

April 20, 2012. We got rolling that morning about 10am. Travis was cooking the fried chicken up, another friend was slicing up watermelon. I had a morning test, but I hustled the signs over right after. When I got there, we put the signs up, laid out the food, popped the sodas open and poured out the purple drank. Then we stepped back to survey the final effect.

Travis had done it. There was smooth jazz music playing, the table looked great, and he was standing behind everything, beaming like it was his holiday. It was amazing. People looked. Every student that walked past looked. FACULTY looked. People going in and out of the doors behind us loved what they saw. Some laughed as they went on their way; even more stopped to meet Travis and see what he was doing.

"Hello! I'm a black guy Nice to meet you."
"What are you doing?"
"Oh, just letting people know we're here."

 

But everyone - everyone - smiled. College kids stopped for pictures and free food. Grounds workers cruised up to grab a quick chicken wing. I popped a soda myself.

Several of our friends came to chill with the now most popular black guy on campus. His moment was wonderful.

Frank and Travis

Kitty, Travis, and Monica

Lynne and Travis

Our friend José snapped a photo with his DSLR and uploaded it to Flickr - unaware that it would soon become famous. It had over 80,000 views by the end of the day. Apparently his photo had made it onto Reddit; and the rest is mematic history.  Eventually, his picture would be seen on FunnyJunk, 4chan, Tumblr, and Formspring.

By 1pm the buzz had died down a bit, but spirits were still soaring. There were high fives all around; and to this day, it's one of the best memories I have.

TL;DR - Black people are awesome.

Easter

Today marks the end of the first Lenten journey I have made. In a previous blog post, I told how I would give up Facebook and soda for Lent.


As Lent ends today (happy Easter!), I am pleased to say that I successfully went without soda and Facebook for the entire time period. This is quite an accomplishment for me; as anyone who knows me is aware just how much I use Facebook day to day, and how fond I am of Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper.

For me, though giving up soda wasn't easy, it paled in comparison to giving up Facebook. Even though it seems trivial, giving up Facebook was quite an endeavor; and several times during Lent I really wanted to break my vow of abstinence from it. But I didn't, and during those times, I thought about just how difficult it must have been for Jesus when He fasted for forty days in the wilderness, with Satan himself whispering sweet nothings in His ear to boot. When I would feel despondent about going without, I'd think about my relationship with God; and you know what? It helped. A lot.

Was it worth it? I say absolutely.

My walk with God has definitely changed for the better since I began my Lenten journey. I've been praying much more often, even for the little things; as a result, I feel like communication with God has been a bit more two-way during this time. And I would like to keep it that way. Definitely, Lent has been helpful to me.

If you've never tried to give something up before, I encourage you to try giving up even something small. It will make you think about your priorities, and it will remind you to live better for Christ. Oh, and you may discover you actually can survive without Facebook. Maybe I'll give up the Internet entirely next year. (Haaaaaaa, no.)


**i like it like that**

- Knolster

Curses To The Organizationally Gifted

I need to clean my room.

BADLY.

It's been nearly three months since I arrived home from Florida... and in hindsight, I would say that time flies more at home than it did at Disney. Ironic, seeing that most people can't get enough of Disney and never seem to have enough time to play there.

But I digress.

The path from my door to my bedroom window is a journey in itself; what started out as using a large box to put stuff in to clear OUT of my room has turned into a massive landfill of assorted things. The box is still there, but no longer visible. This scares me.

I use Snapchat. It's fun to use when I want to send random pics to people. So just for kicks, I Snapchatted a pic of my room to my friend Franny - complete with stuff everywhere, bed buried under clothes, and shelves emptied onto the floor. She responded with a pristine photo of her room - floor completely clear, bed made, and spotlessly organized desk replete with perfectly aligned books.

My motivation at this point is revenge. I have to prove to her that my room can look just as awesome as (if not better than) hers.

But it sucks when your motivation is buried underneath all that stuff. I'm screwed.


**curses to the organizationally gifted**

- Knolster

Ken Rockwell

Today I'd like to share about a guy whose work may not mean much to some, but is invaluable to people like me. As an aspiring photographer paying his way through school, I don't have the resources to waste money or time on a mistaken purchase on photography equipment- whether it be as simple as a memory card or as definitive as a new lens. Every penny counts. (Ask anyone who knows me. If I see a penny on the ground, that sucker's mine!) So naturally, I research before I buy something.

The Internet is chock full of forums, discussions, reviews, and articles about almost anything. This is great, but it can be very time consuming to sift through articles looking for information, especially regarding photography equipment. And it seems that everyone has something to say; some sing praises about an item, while others loudly and forcefully denounce the same product. It can be difficult to know who to trust. Does an anonymous commenter really know what he's talking about when he trashes a product, or is the product actually decent? (Or vice versa!) And where can you find stuff once you've made a decision?

Enter this man.

Ken Rockwell

This guy is amazing. His extensive website and blog cover all major photography equipment and manufacturers anyone could ever want to know about. He has used almost every major camera available, and his reviews cover more than just cameras; he also discusses lenses, filters, flash, shooting techniques, and more. Everything he discusses and reviews is provided with purchase locations and information. And the best part? All of this is free on his website. People spend hundreds of dollars on photography books that don't teach even half of the information that Ken Rockwell shares (and his is all up to date!).

Now enter me. I used his detailed information to make my latest lens purchase, and I am now the proud owner of a Nikkor 50mm F/1.8 D fixed aperture lens.

It's so sexy.

I've been wanting a fixed aperture lens for quite some time now; however, there are many out there, and I wanted to make the best educated purchase I could. Unsure exactly which fixed aperture lens I wanted, I consulted Ken's research. Turns out, the 50mm F/1.8 is one of the best lenses any Nikon photographer could own, which I previously wasn't aware of. My current camera, a Nikon D5100, is not autofocus-compatible with the 50mm F/1.8 D lens. However, I am currently in the process of upgrading to the Nikon D7000, which is autofocus-compatible with this lens. Since the lens works manually on either camera model regardless of the autofocus setup, the lens is perfect for me right now. Long story short, I saved at least $150, and it's the little things like this that make me happy. Life is not won all at once, but rather in small steps along the way.

Here are a couple test shots I took with the new lens. I'm in love. 

So yeah, Ken Rockwell wins major kudos from me, hence this shoutout. He's candid, down-to-earth, and honest. He even replied to a brief thank-you email I wrote him that same day. Very impressive.

Closing thought: think before you buy! And look for good honest voices like Ken Rockwell when researching; it's worth it.


**rule 32**

- Knolster

Lent and Withdrawls

Think of this post as a quick muse/devotional thought.

In my quest for the truth (mainly starting this new year), I've been doing some more digging in the Word and just spending time actually paying attention to God. He's always there, you know... and even though you know He knows your thoughts, sometimes it's just helpful knowing you can talk to Him about crap, ya know?

I love properly used memes. This one's a little off par, but it will do.

Enter February. Now, every year around this time, there's a little (err... not so little) day called Fat Tuesday. Everybody loves Fat Tuesday, because Fat Tuesday is fun to say, makes people giggle, and basically gives the impression that you can/should eat and do whatever you want. Basically, it is the YOLO mindset (I freaking hate that word). What people don't really think so much about is the day which follows. The day after Fat Tuesday is Wednesday. Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent.

Lent is defined by Wikipedia as a Christian observance meant to prepare the believer; it is a form of fasting. While the main denominations that faithfully observe this are Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists, Presbyterians, and Anglicans, most Christians at least know about the concept of Lent. Mention Lent to almost anyone and they'll look at you and say "Oh, are you Catholic?" No, I'm not Catholic. I just happen to care about my walk with God.

Here is a spattering of the top things people gave up for Lent in 2009. Interesting stuff.

Traditionally, Christians who practice Lent give up something for the forty-day period between Ash Wednesday and Easter to better focus on striving towards holiness in life. Now, in the past, I've given up soda pop (and am currently) for Lent, but never really thought much about it. I would do it mainly for the challenge, if you will... the "thrill of accomplishment" -- and go right back to gorging myself with Mountain Dew as soon as Lent was over, gloating at my abilities in self denial. But soda pop isn't that dear to me. Yes, I shamefully love my Mountain Dew (you can buy it for me here at a ridiculous price), but it's not like I can't live without it.

So this year, I wanted to take things a little more seriously when it came to personal sacrifice for Lent. But what? There's nothing I really do that I can give up... my life is pretty boring, right?

Oh no. HELL NO. Nononononooo...

You might laugh at me. Feel free; I felt pretty pathetic in hindsight. Facebook isn't everything; but hey, it's pretty huge. But then again, you might not hold Facebook at the same esteem that I do. Facebook is a ridiculously integral part of my life, and has been for the past five years. It's my main source of information, and by far my foremost means of staying connected with some of the closest people in my life who pretty much all live as inconveniently far away from me as possible. If I am online, I pop Facebook into its own happy little tab and surf the Internet, peeking up at Facebook's tab every now and then to see if a little (1) appears next to the tab name (meaning I have a notification). Or better yet, hearing that multi-emotional "pling" (depending on the nature of your conversation) that means someone else on Facebook cares enough to chat with you. I love Facebook -- maybe too much. But give it up for forty days? Craziness!
 

Oh, shut up.

Yet here I am. Six days into this suddenly meaningful journey called Lent, and I haven't been on Facebook once. At first I missed my Facebook tab... but now I'm used to it being gone. It feels like it's been a longer time than six days, but in all reality, this is probably one of the longest stretches I've gone without it. I will say it is rather unsettling to be without a security you've felt pretty much every day for five years. Yet, at the same time, it's very freeing. I have more time to do things, and I've been far more productive even when using the Internet. Was Facebook that large of a distraction for me? Apparently so.

So no Facebook or soda. For the first few days, I was very irritable. Think of a room full of girls with PMS (keep in mind, I have five sisters. Nothing shocks me anymore). I was that pissy. But as time has passed, my mood has improved, and I've started thinking more about why I am sacrificing these things. What do I prioritize more-- Facebook or my time spent with God? More times than not, I waste hours on Facebook and don't even think about God. Just six days into Lent, I am thinking more about God and how I am living than I have for the past month.

So be encouraged. I know I am. And hey, only thirty-four days to go for this boy. If Jesus could handle it, and He empowers us to do even greater things, then how can we fail?

I plan to post after Lent on how I feel about everything. It will be interesting to see if/how my perspectives have changed.


**this boy now gets his caffeine from coffee**

- Knolster

Questions About Fruit

It's been aeons since my last post. A lot has happened since then -- I've returned to the Midwest, and am pursuing the truth about things. My mind is amiss with thoughts and feelings regarding my faith, and the more I talk with my peers about it, the more I realize that I am far from alone in my struggles.

This will by my most controversial post so far, so be warned.

Before I say anything, I want to set the tone for this article. I'm reminded of a passage which I feel is one of the best "advice Scriptures" in the Bible outside of Proverbs. Jesus was speaking with his disciples.

Matthew 7:15-20 (NLT)

Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.

Fruit. Keep it in mind.

I think about a lot of things. Lately, my mind has taken a turn towards the spiritual side of life (I refuse to use the word "religion".) Most of my friends are Christian or have a Christian background; though I also have friends who are atheist, pagan, wiccan, and humanist for their respective reasons. It is not my place to judge how others exercise their faith; that is up to them. However, I personally have been questioning my own faith -- not necessarily in a bad sense of the expression; but rather, I'm questioning why I believe what I believe, and if what I believe is actually real or simply fantastic ideas painted to me in pretty traditional Christian pictures. One of my issues is this: based on the Scripture we just read, where is the fruit of our Christianity?

Read the following real statements from some of my peers.

"I've changed my beliefs to humanism. It's been a process over the last few years, but I've done a lot of searching and don't believe the Bible anymore. My mother keeps saying I just find stuff to prove her wrong, or to tell her that she's uninformed about something. It's not that at all. I started searching, and I want to believe. But the more I've looked, the more I've found that it's all wrong. I'm not atheist, but I feel very close to it. Like, I still feel that God is there but everything I'm finding is saying otherwise, or that it's just a construct in our minds. idk..."

"It seems that everything I was told to never do as a child is coming into question now. Or maybe it's just that because I'm older and understand things differently, I'm actually thinking about them. Sometimes I feel like people would categorize me as 'agnostic' rather than 'Christian'. I may not act like a 'Christian' or go to church all the time... I even have trouble reading the Bible. But I know that somewhere deep in me, I believe in and love Jesus... even if I may never feel him like others."
 
 "How can a God of love condemn people that really have no chance to accept him due to circumstance? Do you think our accepting Christ is circumstantial? Do you really believe He is pursuing us? What if we just fail at witnessing and end up turning people away from faith? I'm never going to be good enough to explain faith... I can barely hold onto it myself. I am not a joyful Christian that knows God is real. I do know He isn't going to force anything on anyone. But how can people choose when He doesn't give them the choice? If they don't even know He exists, are they supposed to just know because of nature? Or because someone tells him that a guy died on a cross because He loves them? And what about people with serious mental disorders? What does God do in the event that you are sitting on an existential nihilist's couch balling your eyes out because you don't know what to believe anymore? And you try to explain this to him but since everything is in such spiritual language, you don't know how to put it into plain English? Is God's grace not enough for translation errors? Can Christ reside in me even if I feel confused sometimes?"

I just sense an overwhelming tone of mistrust and questioning in all of these statements, and in my own feelings. Yes, we may still love Jesus; and no, we're not necessarily writing him off as a fairy tale. So why the sudden need for verification of our faith in a deity we've known all our lives? Simple.

We have been told something, but now question its veracity.

Many of us (myself included) grew up in a Christian home. Our parents taught us a certain brand of Christianity (whatever they believed), and we were raised to think a certain way along whatever lines of tradition entailed. Now that we have grown up, we might actually start questioning what has been literally installed in our minds all our lives, such as whether or not alcohol is evil as we were told, or why we can't do certain things. I don't feel that questioning facets of our Christianity is unhealthy, but it may be unsettling at times.

We feel a need to prove our faith because of questions in our own minds.

In the case of my friend crying because she didn't know what to believe, she was in the presence of an educated individual who could not be convinced that the Bible was true. When she found it difficult to explain her faith, she was forced to question what she believed as the other person raised issues she had no answers for. When this happens, how are we supposed to respond? I feel that personally, we need to come to terms with our faith and define our beliefs by the Word of God, but this is no easy task.

We believe and obey the Bible, but don't feel like it's making a difference.

So what do you do when you have read the Bible and are applying it to your life, but it eventually feels more like a charade than a relationship with God? One of my friends has expressed to me that she feels like God never speaks back to her when she seeks Him, and I can definitely relate with that feeling in my own life. This will certainly raise questions and turmoil. Faith becomes an issue, because no relationship will work well if it is one-sided.

We don't see fruit.

This is probably the ultimate reason why we may question our faith. We do everything right, we play church, we read the Bible every day, we pray, and we witness. But we don't see any results. Granted, this isn't always the case; but to me, I feel that our experiences happen like this more times than not. And it's nothing short of discouraging.


Here is how I currently feel. I was raised in a Christian home to believe in God, and that God sent his Son to die for my redemption from sin. I cannot prove this; rather, it is a matter of faith. I do not doubt the existence of God; however, I do challenge the view taught and "imposed" on me by my parents. They told me that alcohol was bad, gays are going to hell, premarital sex is one of the ultimate sins, and that any form of the the theory of evolution is heresy. And I believed them. I've seen my parents literally give their lives for their faith. I have watched them struggle through many things, calling on God to carry them through as they live each step of their lives for Him. Their faith is real. I was with them in this lifestyle for years. We prayed. We worshiped. We interceded. We warred against Satan and the powers of darkness. Sometimes, things got better. But as we did these things, I personally saw no real confirmations from God... nothing to really solidify that what we were believing for was actually working. No fruit. Half of the problems ended up fixing themselves over time, and my family would rave about how "God answered our prayers!" But I felt like I was the only logical mind present who actually figured out that things had naturally changed; there was nothing supernatural going on. These things would happen, and I would think, "Of course it fixed itself. God had nothing to do with it. Of course my cut is better; God created my body to heal itself. God didn't just 'insta-heal' it over three days." You may be thinking at this point, "What a doubter." Granted, this is indeed doubt; but keep in mind, all of these things I am telling you had been happening over a period of ten years. That's a long time. All that time, and nothing really substantial to show for it in terms of fruit. "Oh, but that's what faith is for. Read Hebrews 11:1. This is the part that we have to believe the hardest. Our breakthrough is just around the corner!" Years later, we were still "at that point" with hardly any fruit to show for it.

I love the Lord, and ultimately I live along His guidelines as portrayed in the Bible. But as for the hardcore "Ermergherd, FAITH!!!" lifestyle, I'm more disheartened than anything. I feel like sometimes my family members are "faithing" and "Bibling" themselves to death. We've been rejected by churches for how we believe. For encouragement, we would listen to faith teachers who promised and reassured us with smiles on their faces that "this stuff works." While I don't doubt that faith is necessary for every Christian, I can't help but feel literally smothered by the Bible I've been taught, and I feel bad for wanting to run from it. I'm tired of it being shoved down my throat, and I'm sick of the judgments leveled against me by self-righteous bigots who call themselves Christians, yet act anything like Christ. I'm discouraged by the lack of fruit in the church today. And while I realize that there are many wonderful things being done for Christ, I can't help but think that there are more people than just me who feel the way I do. "Why do I believe? Is it really worth it?"

My views on several facets of life have changed since I was a little kid. These things happen when one grows up; their mind begins to work for itself and that individual can discern what is truth from what is false. This is called maturity, or sophistication. I know that alcohol isn't evil, and I know that homosexuality isn't (as I was taught) a one-way ticket to hell. But if I was to say these things to my parents, you can bet that they would immediately defend their beliefs and write me off as a prodigal. (Slight exaggeration, perhaps. Still, you get the point.)

It's intimidating and a bit unnerving to take a stand, especially when you disagree with tradition regarding faith. This post has been a bit of an outlet for many feelings, but also the beginning of a discussion I genuinely care about. I am daring us (me and you) to at least think about things before we defend or denounce them, and I encourage you to research what and why you believe what you do. I know I'll be doing my homework in the coming weeks... more thoughts to follow. Feel free to comment.


**deuces**

- Knolster