2014: A Smattering Of Thoughts

It's about this time of my yearly routine that I look back on the previous year and think to myself, "What all has happened this past year?" Sometimes I try to go through each month of the previous year and try to remember one thing I accomplished that month. At times it's hard to remember, which is sad. Other things easily pop into my memory, and those are usually the "high moments" of my year.

Here is my list: twelve moments that stand out to me from 2013, by month.

January: Came home from my Disney World internship
February: Completed a "Photo-A-Day" Instagram challenge
March: Gave up Facebook for Lent
April: Road trip to Missouri for my cousin's wedding
May: Purchased my first "pro" camera equipment
June: Smashed my thumb under a falling railroad tie
July: Played copious amounts of League of Legends while healing from said railroad tie
August: Returned to college and went "official" with my wonderful girlfriend after months of talking
September: Landed a design position for yearbook staff
October: Road trip to Wisconsin to visit my girlfriend
November: Thanksgiving with my family
December: Finished my semester with flying colors and good academic momentum

Looking back, it was a good year overall. I had many wonderful moments (emphasis on the trip to see my girlfriend), yet at the same time, I feel like there are little memories that have slipped through the cracks that I've forgotten. It's a sad fact of life that most people don't always remember every positive moment.

For that reason, I have an idea for this new year. New Year's "resolutions" are horribly cliché, and are often quickly forgotten and broken easily, so we'll just call it an idea for now. I'd like to start a journal of sorts. One of my professors keeps sketchbook journals, and I think it's a great idea. His journals are filled with writings, doodles, pasted photos, and thoughts he's had over the years and immortalized on the pages. Some of them are long and took a substantial amount of time to document; others are shorter and more staccato. But looking through the pages, there's thousands of thoughts documented.

I want to do that. Any given moment of any day, I have fleeting thoughts for possible art projects, photos I could take, places I want to visit, and things I want to do. Why should I let life continue to happen and let these innate desires of mine be forgotten?

So this year, I'm starting a journal. I've invested in a sketchbook, and I plan to fill it. Perhaps this year will fill the book; or perhaps it will leave some empty pages. But at the end of the year, I would love to look through it and see what ideas this year has inspired in my life. Who knows, maybe some of the ideas I write down will lead to adventures and projects in reality. Life is what we make it, and we only have so much time. I intend to make the most of it.

I also plan to post on this blog more regularly, so stay tuned; there's more to come! Here's to a wonderful year.

Happy new year, everyone.

**ending only to begin again**
- Knolster

My Faith Journey

Currently I am taking an undergraduate class on Christian Faith. As it is a required course at my institution,  I was skeptical at best... I expected the class to be nothing more than a lengthy, boring lecture period filled with note-taking and dreary assigned readings. While theology can be interesting and, at times, fascinating, I was not looking forward to sitting through hell to learn about heaven.

But thus far, I am happily wrong. It’s been anything but academic hell; so far, through the first periods of lecture, it has been an intuitive learning experience – replete with honest peer discussions from the students, as well as insights and thoughts to ponder from the professor.
 
This blog is named Journeys. I chose the name because I feel that life is the “ultimate” journey... one made up of many facets, such as faith, relationships, personal development, and struggles. Ever since starting this blog, I’ve noticed more when the word “journey” is used. So when I read the syllabus and saw that our professor had named our first written assignment of the semester “My Faith Journey” – an essay we would write to discuss our own personal spiritual progress – I was excited. Upon writing it, I thought it fitting to share it here.
 
So, join me as I present to you my faith journey, which continues to grow with every new day.

My Faith Journey

Though I have experienced highs and lows in my faith walk, I can’t remember a time when I was without faith. There have been difficulties and hardships, of course; but I have always known I had a purpose, and that there was a God who cared about what happened to me. To me, faith is the cornerstone of life. Without faith, I can do nothing. I feel that it is what one puts their faith in that matters. My faith has always been growing, though at times it has faltered. But ultimately, my faith in Jesus Christ is at the core of “me”, and I cannot imagine life without it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had some form of faith in my life. As a very young boy, I can clearly remember being three years old with my parents at my bedside, and making the decision to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Soon after, I recall attending “Story Hour”; a mid-week preschool learning time provided by a local Christian Reformed church. I remember hearing Bible stories and singing songs about what we heard. I learned that Jesus wanted us all to be “fishers of men” as we followed His teaching. My family always pursued God and His will for our lives; we read and studied the Bible, prayed daily, and lived godly lifestyles. So even at a young age, my faith was beginning to bloom.

From there, my faith continued to develop. At age five, I moved with my family to a local Baptist church, where I spent probably five years or so. Through church, Sunday School, junior church, and youth group, my faith grew stronger. I understood salvation fully, and I knew I was a “Christian”, but I was still definitely developing as a believer, much less as an individual.
 
As my family’s faith grew together, we wanted more of God, and we felt that the Baptist church we had called home for years did not share our passion or hunger for God. Though they were definitely our church family for a season, it seemed like they were simply comfortable with Christianity as a Sunday church routine. But we wanted “Sunday” to be a lifestyle, and not just a charade. So we moved to a Pentecostal church; there, we felt much more passionate about living our purpose as children of God, and not just existing in it. However, after about a year or two there, we grew dissatisfied with the church’s leadership. Elements of favoritism, pride, and “cliques” were prominent, and grew more obvious as time passed. We decided to move on, looking for another church.
 
As I entered adolescence, it was around this time that I feel my desire for God honestly began to develop; no longer was I just learning about Him, but I really wanted to seek Him and know Him. We switched churches again; this time, we found an Assemblies of God church. While I loved it there, and felt my faith beginning to grow, my parents weren’t sure if it was the best place for us. We moved to a new town a year later, and switched churches again.
 
Then came hardship. Throughout the years, my family has yearned to find a church to call home, but we have had a difficult time. It wouldn’t seem so hard to find a church, but finding a church family who shares your desire for growth is another story. Even to this day, I have a very hard time trusting churches, and I feel this inevitably affects my faith. I understand that we (the body of Christ) are the Church; Jesus has expressed multiple times through the writings of Paul and others that we are to build each other up and love each other as brothers and sisters in Him. However, through my experience, while churches may seem friendly, there always seem to be motives that would say otherwise. There are many factors to churches, such as how its members treat each other, how the leadership works, and how money is handled (to name a few). Things like how Communion is performed matter to me; some churches I’ve been to take Communion in a haphazard, “lax” way that lent no solemness to the rite. Though we would find churches we liked initially, there was always something that would drive us away – anything from pastors’ families acting high and mighty to odd worship practices. Some churches felt like cults; others were complacent and pursued nothing. Passion for God was scarce, and my family and I were judged by many for ours. Most of my teen years were spent between churches, and I never found a church to call home for long.
 
College has presented its own set of challenges to my faith. It was upon entering college that I started really thinking for myself, making educated decisions, and “doing research” before believing anything. Discussions of faith have abounded, as I attend a Christian university full of people like myself. Through my undergraduate years, I feel I have developed not only as an individual, but also as a believer. Concepts like alcohol, homosexuality, and popular forms of entertainment have also added to my constant quest for truth; as the Bible has many things to say about these things, many arguments can be made in how they are perceived and applied in today’s culture. And as time progresses, I’m hearing more and more dissension in the ranks of the Church.
 
But through it all, my faith remains. It is stronger every day, and I want nothing more than to pursue the Lord, discovering how I should live, and how I can be a light in a world that is desperately and hauntingly dark. The journey continues still; and with each step, I am even more excited for the next.

Love: A small development...

For anyone who follows me, it's time you knew. In a couple of previous posts, I've hinted at something.

Well, time to take the wraps off, here it is.

I'm in love with a girl... and she shares my feelings.

World, meet Caroll.

First off, I can't even believe I am writing this. Yes, she is my girlfriend, and yes, she's mind-blowingly adorable and irresistible. If you're my Facebook friend, you're probably wondering why it's not "Facebook official." Well, if you really stalked me, you'd see that Facebook doesn't say I'm single any more (and hasn't for a while now)... so there's that. Secondly, this girl and I both feel that Facebook puts a lot of unecessarily scrutiny, pressure, and drama on relationships in general. So shush. ;)

For this boy, romance is a slow process... I don't just fall in love. So with this episode in my life comes a story four years in the making.

I first met her in college, fall of 2009. Caroll and I talked a lot our first summer of knowing each other. (When I say a lot, I mean a LOT.) Since I couldn't text at the time, I called her initially just as a friend to ask how her summer break was going so far, then called again to check up on her... and the calls continued from there. She would always answer, and we would talk about everything and anything we thought of – life, emotional stuff, family, friends. The calls became more frequent, and eventually became routine. By mid-June, not a day would pass without me calling her, or sometimes her calling me. I loved it. Here was a girl who I thought was totally cool, and heck, maybe we would even end up together someday. Our mutual friends all knew we were "a thing" (let's be honest, you know something must be amiss when people start talking about it). One infamous night, Caroll and I talked for over five hours reading each other horribly cheesy poetry.

Looking back, I feel like that was one of the nights that defined our relationship; we were the kids that could literally spend hours talking about absolutely nothing, but loving every moment of it. That was just "us", and I loved it. This was the summer we initially fell in love... and it was the summer that sparked a friendship that has only deepened with time.

When college started that year, though, something changed between us. Caroll was seemingly distant, almost cold. I was confused, and our relationship abruptly ended. Loose ends and feelings splayed from both sides, and we went our own ways, coping as we would. To say there was no pain would be a lie. I felt betrayed... like I had spent an entire summer hoping for something, and hardly even ending up with a friend in the end. There was a palpable bitterness between us; and though the pain was tormenting at times, I couldn't remove her from my life.

Over the next two semesters, we would pass each other awkwardly between classes or whenever. Sometimes a "hello" happened, but not always. There was a definite rift between us. Part of me felt like it was my fault, but then I would remember that it definitely takes two to tango. We had once possessed something wonderful, but somehow, somewhere, it had slipped between our fingers. Though we had once communicated every day, we seemed a world apart when it came to our truest feelings. Occasionally a Facebook message or comment would happen between us, but we were nothing like we were. Time passed; she transferred schools, I stayed. Life went on. And slowly, I started to let go.

I dated a wonderful girl for a year and a half during our time apart; and though she and I didn't work out, things ended peacefully between us. I felt partial closure from my past with Caroll through this, but never completely. The feelings I had felt for her had forever changed me, and I still don't know that I will ever be able to fully remove them from myself.

Enter this quote...

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." - Unknown

I feel like I let go of Caroll as fully as I could, because I honestly was not expecting what happened next. Though she and I talked occasionally via Facebook since our initial falling-out, this past spring, Caroll started a conversation with me.

...and it's still going on.

She's the kitten, I'm the puppy.

These past few months of summer, Caroll and I have exchanged nearly twenty-five thousand Facebook messages... and that's just on Facebook. Never mind the thousands via text, nor the hours upon hours of daily phone conversations... or the snail mail letters that are happening again. It's crazy. Road trips are in the works. But we aren't rushing. No need; we've had four years to get to this point, and neither of us are going anywhere any time soon. We talk every day... and yet we still always have things to talk about. Flashback to our five-hour night of bad poetry... we still spend hours talking about nothing and everything... and we love every moment of it. This girl is everything I ever could have hoped for... and then some.

Sure, we will have our obstacles. We live 443 miles apart. We're both attending different schools. But I definitely feel like God has brought us back together for a reason... not to mention that she just makes me insanely happy. What does our future hold? Only God knows for sure. But this I know: I have never been happier, the trust between Caroll and me is stronger every moment we are together, and I can't wait to share this journey with her, come what may.


**it is what it is**

- Knolster

True friendship

So there's this girl... we'll call her my "significant other". Though we are not so public about it right now, we are currently "in talks"... our friendship of four years has seen its share of highs and lows, but is truly something special that I wouldn't trade for anything. To say I do not love her would be the saddest lie I could ever tell. She's a wonderful person, but also one of the most challenging people I've ever met.

Tonight, this girl and I were exploring some of our deepest worries and insecurities about ourselves, our lives, and each other. We were both feeling very emotional about things, and though we are insanely supportive of each other through thick and thin, tonight was a heavy night for us. Our conversation was honest, raw, and painful as we explored our own thoughts and qualms.

It was just past eleven when she decided she wanted to take a break from the conversation to  write. Hmm, not a bad idea; I thought. I'll just do some writing of my own.

As she went offline, and just as I was about to close out of everything to write some of my own thoughts, I absentmindedly started reading a page of quotes on friendship that I had opened at some point during our conversation. After skimming a few drab, overly cliché quotes about love, I was about to close the tab, when a rather lengthy post caught my eye. Without reading it, I glanced down to see who the author was. Bob Marley? My interest piqued, I decided to read the quote... which then proceeded to blow my mind all over the walls of the room.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, do you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul, and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind... like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day; and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

Holy crap. Everything that this rasta man just said... was everything I wanted to say in that moment. Nothing but pure, unabashed love. A love that can never be explained with mere words. Love so honest, it has to be the same kind of love that Jesus, who is truth, shows to us.

Sometimes friendship is simple. But true, honest friendship is beautiful. When you have a true friend who you can trust, and who cares as much about you as you do for them, that's nothing short of amazing. You will be hard pressed to find many friends like this in life... I consider myself lucky to have found even one.

Do not take friendship lightly... for it is one of the most wonderful things you can have in this life


**don't worry, be happy** 

- Knolster

Vagabond

After a year's hiatus from undergraduate academia, I am finally finishing my last two semesters, and am en route to receiving my bachelor's degree. My return to college is something I'm thrilled about; while being an intern at Disney World was naturally awesome and exciting, I have definitely missed learning, especially after a summer of work. So, after last week's two days of semester boot camp, today marks my first actual week of classes. And I am truly excited.

But this time around, things are different. College has been a longer journey for me than for most; while others have a four-year plan, my own academic plan has been marred with hardships and spotted with leaves of absence. Such are the struggles of one who is paying his own way through school. So while many familiar faces have been with me for the majority of my college life, it is now that I am noticing just how many faces have moved on - either upon graduating, or simply transferring elsewhere. It's strange to be in such a familiar place where I've known many, yet look around and see that I'm surrounded by strangers. Taking a year's break from college will do that, of course, but I've noticed this phenomenon especially since school started. Aside from faculty, I hardly know anyone here anymore.

It's sobering. But it is also refreshing.

The sobering side of it is this: Meeting so many individuals and living with them as they experienced college was wonderful. I am a social being, and loved the friend circles that college offered me. Sure, I made a lot of friends in college; and yes, I still know many of them. But the reality is this: College is simply a fleeting phase of life; and inevitably, all of us will end up going our own ways. Seeing so many of my friends moving on with life is definitely thought provoking as I watch my own chapters of academia coming to a close. But being surrounded by strangers, at times I feel like a vagabond in my own college home.

However, this is also a refreshing time. I'm more focused than ever on success. No longer am I subject to the judgment of peers who have seen me transform from an odd, awkward humanoid into a thriving, less-awkward individual. No longer am I plagued with the drama of what's happening in friend circles, who's dating who, or what happened last night in a friend circle. Of the few familiar faces I still see here - fellow students and faculty - most of them have had journeys similar to my own. We've experienced hardships together, helped each other through them, been there to support each other, and grown stronger for it. These are lifelong friends, and I'm so happy to share the last semesters of my own college experience with them.

Though they are few, I'm thankful for the familiar faces I can still see on a daily basis. And as I am now getting into the full swing of this semester, I'm more excited than ever to see how much I learn throughout the rest of the year. And though at times I may feel like a vagabond in my own college home, I know I am here for a reason... and I am okay with that.


**let things fall as they may**

- Knolster

August

August is a wonderful month, but is also an odd month. A summer month, but one that hints at a fast-approaching autumn. For me, it's a transition month; it marks the end of summer, and it's around this time that I realize that the year is two thirds gone. Seriously, where does the time go?

For this boy, summer has been a true journey. Lots of things have happened... I bought new camera equipment, smashed my thumb (literally), couldn't work for two months, de-junked my stuff (still ongoing), and am reorganizing my bedroom. On top of all of that, I'm preparing to tackle my last two semesters of college and get my degree in graphic design. I feel good.

Another development. There's this girl I've known for four years, and we've been talking. And when I say "talking" here, I mean we've literally been talking or texting every waking moment for the past three months. We've grown unbelievably close, and it's getting more and more obvious to us (and everyone who knows us fairly well) that something special may be developing here. The only thing that's sad about this situation is the fact that we live almost 500 miles apart; however, she has agreed to a date, and I have promised to visit. I can't wait to see what shenanigans come of this; perhaps I'll be sharing more about her in future posts. Time will tell. But, I must mention the ironic and humorous fact that this is the first time I've talked about my interest in this girl publicly, and August is National Romance Awareness Month. Whatever.

I visited my school the other day to make some arrangements for this coming semester. While I was there, I got to see some close friends who are already on campus for band camp. Having hardly seen anyone for these last seven post-Disney months, I have been more than a bit lonely and bored with my routine of home life and work. I'm too much of a social being to be cooped up like I have been, and seeing some familiar faces was a breath of fresh air.

As school fast approaches, I'm starting to get excited for the last chapters of this year... a return to academia, some added independence, the drama of an unfolding romance, and some much-needed reconnecting with college friends. But for now, here am I. It is August: my month of transition.

More blogs to follow; stay tuned.


**change**

- Knolster

I Lived

Ever feel like the shuffle feature in iTunes is some sort of a musical god that can somehow predict your mood swings and empathize with your feelings? Time and time again, I absent-mindedly flip my iPod to "shuffle all songs" and drown myself in whatever it comes up with. And I've noticed a phenomenon; within three songs, usually a song plays that somehow resonates with how I feel that very moment.

This happens to me quite frequently, and today was no exception. Lately I've been thinking a lot about life decisions. Well, this morning I popped my headphones on before rolling out of bed (on "shuffle"), and the second song that played was off of OneRepublic's new album, Native. Perhaps you've heard it before... it's called "I Lived".

The chorus is as follows...

"I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give.
I saw so many places, the things that I did.
Yeah with every broken bone, I swear I lived..."

This song resonates with so many feels within my soul. It causes emotions to rise; it provokes thought; and it reawakens a yearning within me to experience life at its fullest. Disney was a huge experience for me; I can't remember a moment when I wasn't experiencing something new or discovering new things. Every day was an adventure.

Upon moving back to the Midwest, life has gone stagnant (or so it would seem). Yes, I still have moments of joy with my family, and I will always cherish these times. But as a whole, life has slowed down a bit in contrast to my fast-paced, schedule-packing life in Florida. But here is my thoughts in a nutshell: Fast or slow, never fail to cherish each moment in life.

Don't get so caught up in the "big picture" that you fail to live for today. It is wise to live for a better tomorrow, of course; but do not forget to experience the world around you right now, no matter where you are. Life is way too short to take it slow; as soon as moments arrive,  they are gone. Map out some dreams you wish to achieve and work towards them. But today, in this moment, do wonderful things. Create. Dance. Live. Once you get to where you want to be a month, a year, or ten years down the road, you will look back on your life; and you'll be glad that you lived each moment and appreciated the time you were blessed with. Reach out to others and don't fail to seize the moments you have before they pass and are lost forever. And "with every broken bone", don't be discouraged. You will be stronger for the hard times.

Go places. Do things. Cherish people around you.

But whatever you do, make sure you live life to the fullest.


**fin**

- Knolster